South B*tch Diet

In an effort to keep the friends and family I currently have, I'm reaching out to the bloggosphere to help me get through the next 13.5 days. Hell, or even the next 3. Why? Because for the first time in my "always a bridesmaid" life, I'm not fittin so good in the dress. LeeLee, if you're reading this, don't worry. It zips and fits and I could be presentable tomorrow if needed...but omg, my body is seriously in the worst shape ever. Don't believe me? Here's an example:

1. I did the elliptical the other day, and managed to injure myself. Am supposed to start Couch 2 5K training on Thurs and am not actually sure I can do it. Something about my knee continuously buckling has me cautious.

2. You didn't ask for a second example but I'm giving it to you. When I tried on the dress today, let's just say I looked like a serving wench in the bodice...my cups do runneth over. My mom's comment was "What are we going to do about that???" in a horrified voice. My response? "We (or just me) are going on a DIET."

Oh yeah, the damned D word.

Now I've been lucky that most of my life weight hasn't been an issue, but the past two years it has and holy sh*t does it suck. Turns out one of the side effects of corporate america - in case there aren't enough - is extreme exhaustion from playing corp politics and working 10-12 hours days which not only makes working out unlikely, it makes hoovering up every piece of  chocolate I can find EXTREMELY likely. But I'm done with excuses, b/c I have 34 days until dress day.

On Thurs, for no partic reason a girl at work asked me if I wanted to do South Beach with her. I'll get over the fact that she's probably 27 and gorgeous, because she had me at "I lost 20lbs for my wedding." Hmm, 20 is about what I need to lose total. Now I'm not an idiot. I know I won't lose 20lbs in 34 days, but at this point even 5 would help. And because I'm just that desparate, I'm willing to undergo the craziness that is South Beach, or as I'm calling it, South B*tch.

Why the b-word? Two reasons. 1. Because if you've never been around someone going through sugar withdrawal, let me say, bitch? is a nice reaction. My friend D commented "my roommate went on that, and she went completely psycho." Yep, that would describe how I felt the one time I tried it. I lasted 4 days, and then was sick for two. 2. Going through sugar withdrawal is a complete nightmare. 'nough said.

Again, why would I do this to myself? Especially when I'm smart enough to know that shocking the system ain't that smart. B/c, dammit, I'm desparate. Sad isn't it?

So, I'm going to poor out my sugar craving craziness here, instead of driving everyone I know bat sht*t crazy. Wish me luck...

Some days I think I'm on Candid Camera

Because really? I can't figure out what makes all the weirdos come my way when it comes to dating. And it doesn't even have to be a weirdo, I'm just looking for a regular normal guy. Is that so hard? Apparently, yes.

Now i'm well aware that my next comment is going to make me sound like the nitpickiest person on earth. That might be a fair assessment, but I also don't feel like wasting my time. I got stuff to do ;) Or it's b/c I'm not sure I'm interested to begin with so...it doesn't take much to make me uninterested.

Today's target asked "how are you" in every email message. For example, his first email to me was "Hey, how are you?" I answered "good" and continued with a question back to him. He responded, "Hey Jen, How are you..." and then didn't put in a question for me to answer. I can overlook that, but then the next email, mind you all in the same day, also asked me how I am. Um, I can't even tolerate his emails and it's only the first round.

OMG aka There are NO words

Fair warning, this will not be a long post because I'm too traumatized by the latest person who viewed my profile....and so I have to share, but I don't have the brain power to write much more than this.

Below is the picture on his profile. I thought it was a cartoon, some sort of joke. Um, no....turns out it's a photo from..omg, his MAGIC ACT. wtf? The next person who asks "oh, honey, why are you still single?" is gonna get a poster of this sent to them.

Um, and yes, that 'stache is REAL. shudder

PS: for those that are thinking about online dating, let me give you a little advice about choosing a screename. "Dwasher" doesn't really encourage me to want to date you b/c I think that's your job, not some sort of fun nickname or sign that you'll clean up after dinner. Similarly, "TransGuy" had me thinking it said "TrannyGuy." Also not something that's going to make me want to go out with you. ... just saying.

Yech.

PPS: yes, for those of you who will notice the logo on the pic, I should know better than to troll a free site, but I know people who've met on there....still not making up for tonight's trauma, though.

So Creeped Out

The other day, while perusing the dating want-ads, I came across the profile of someone I went out with a few years ago. Our crowds intermingle every once in a while, so I've seen him out since, and pretty much thought he was  a normal guy - just not for me.

Imagine my surprise when there's a major change in his profile stats. Nope, he didn't suddenly gain weight, or gotten married/divorced. Rather, he found the fountain of youth! Yes, you read that correctly, he became younger.

Now I get that when you become 40 it must be harder to find younger women who are interested in you. But what exactly makes you think that lying about your age is a good way to start of meeting someone? When exactly do you tell them "hey, p.s. I'm actually a few years older than I said I was?" If it's the first date, they won't want to see you again b/c you lied. If it's later than that, they won't want to see you....cuz you lied. I don't understand how this works.

Oh, and p.s. I actually called him out on it. Sent him a note and say 'Hey, I see you found the fountain of youth ;)'. Needless to say, that hasn't made him live up to his age yet.  (head shaking)

What not to use for your primary profile photo...

*I blocked out the face to save him more humiliation...

My dating criteria is just getting sad

So it's Sunday morning, and I'm doing what I usually do if I haven't run out of the house (late) to some appt. I'm listning to Fox News and checking email...like my dating sites.

For those of you who have used the harmful site (eharm), are you ever annoyed at how hard it is to org/delete people. Yes, I have issues, but it bugs the crap out of me :) Today I decided to go through and archive anyone I didn't think had at least some sort of potential. [p.s. i also find the new thing that they're sending me matches that haven't been active for over three weeks EXTREMELY annoying]. I digress, but I'm getting to the point. Here's what the typical review process looks like for me:

1. Review photos: Cute/not cute but not ugly/hell no!
2. Height: yeah yeah, but most people look at it
3. Want kids
4. Religion
5. how often they drink - I'm always suspect if someone never drinks, or if they drink all the time

Today I realized that I also have a wild card of sorts. For example, someone matched most of 2-5, but were in the 'eh, not sure' on 1. But then I saw it...the wild card...and this is the thought that went through my head: "Oh, but he has a dog"

And just like that, damned fool got kept in my potential list.

Am beginining to think I should just marry a damn dog ;)

The Usual Suspects

So for anyone who reads this, and follows me on Fbook, you'll know that my dating life continues to be more disaster than delight. For today's entry, I've decided two candidates who've recently contacted me. No, it's not the douche bag I called out on facebook. He's not at all worth my time, let alone a blog entry, but he did deserve the call out ;) No these are almost archetypes of the guys you find online. Without further adieu...meet the candidates.

#1 The "I don't want to make any effort at all" Guy

This guy doesn't really want to talk to you. He wants to meet you, see if you're hot, and go from there. His emails will probably be short, if at all. Most likely he will send you his phone number so you can chat, or my new fave, the guy who sets up the date for you...before he even knows your name.

Meet Jon. 42, never married, not sure he wants kids. He's emailed me twice, with the same message:

"Hi, would you like to meet at the Riverview Cafe on Thursday at 7pm?

Jon"

Why yes, I'd like to set the date to go get killed my an ax murder. Thank you, Jon!

#2 The "I just want to get laid" Guy

I think we've all met this one. He's oozing sexual innuendo in even the first email. Prime example came to me via email a week or so ago. Sad thing is, he's cute :( First email had him making comments about me being sexy (really?) and that maybe he's feeling frisky. Surprisingly, I didn't respond. Today he sent me another email saying "nada?" and asking if he didn't even get creativity points for the first email. Then, because flattery will get him everywhere, he said that I was too attractive to not try a second time. I'm not doubting my looks, but my profile picture is me hugging a pit bull. Didn't know that was sexy to anyone other than Vic. Cute, sure ;) For entertainment value, I did respond to his email. I wrote:

"Honestly? Your first email sounded like you were drunk and horny. If I wanted that, I could just go to the bar."

I could care less if he responds, but if you're going to come back twice, I will have no problems tormenting you.

And people wonder why I'm single.

Signs Your Date Isn't Going Well or Highlights From My Latest Disaster

• You're wondering if your date recently had his wisdom teeth out, or just has chipmunk cheeks (we're talking actual jowls)


• If I don't ask a question, he doesn't speak.


• He fake drinks his beer - as in pretends to swallow and still has a full beer by the end of the night


• When the bill comes he reaches for his wallet, I reach for mine, and he says "Do you want me to take care of it?" Idk, do you want me to tell you how to wipe your a$$?


• As I'm waiting in the drivethrough at McDonald's post date, I see that the car in front of me is actually him


• And the piece de la resistance? When by the end of the night, I'm so desparate for a topic (b/c I've exhausted them all) I channel Crazy Dog Jen and start describing what destruction is waiting for me at home b/c Gracie was unhappy about me leaving. I actually described, in minute detail, what she would do to Hedgehog...her stuffed toy. Pain-ful.

The Dilemna

Okay, so I haven't been on here in almost 2 years, which frankly is just sad. So apologies to anyone who tried to read this since.

Here's tonights latest post. Today I created my own hashtag. It sounds very impressive, but all you have to do is type it and it's created...and I'll admit, I kina stole the idea from my good friend, Brooke. #it'sdatingseason - that's the tag, heehee.

The post was based on the fact that I'm going out for yet another painful meet n greet tomorrow night with the latest victim from my internet pimp (aka the dating sites). Today he made a reference to having to reschedule plans b/c he was doing something around his roommate's doc appt. I thought it was weird, but decided to let it go. However, my friend, Arwen, just made a comment asking if roommate is code for wife. Huh. didn't think about that. And now I kind of want to text him and ask if that's the case...cuz it's weird.

Hence, my dilemna. Thoughts?