Signs Your Date Isn't Going Well or Highlights From My Latest Disaster

• You're wondering if your date recently had his wisdom teeth out, or just has chipmunk cheeks (we're talking actual jowls)


• If I don't ask a question, he doesn't speak.


• He fake drinks his beer - as in pretends to swallow and still has a full beer by the end of the night


• When the bill comes he reaches for his wallet, I reach for mine, and he says "Do you want me to take care of it?" Idk, do you want me to tell you how to wipe your a$$?


• As I'm waiting in the drivethrough at McDonald's post date, I see that the car in front of me is actually him


• And the piece de la resistance? When by the end of the night, I'm so desparate for a topic (b/c I've exhausted them all) I channel Crazy Dog Jen and start describing what destruction is waiting for me at home b/c Gracie was unhappy about me leaving. I actually described, in minute detail, what she would do to Hedgehog...her stuffed toy. Pain-ful.